bedlam.

Yesterday was a relatively low-key day in my arena. Our afternoon OA was Games With OAP, so it was easy and uneventful. The night OA was the best part of the day. We had this game called Bedlam Ball, which is where we essentially take like 150 or 200 inflatable balls (like the ones in the cages at Wal-Mart) and put them in a pile on the Lower Green. We then divide the campers up into teams, and they all try and score on other teams' goals. It is absolute insanity down there when those kids run at the balls. The best part is seeing the kids completely smack each other with balls. The job for the staff is to stand around the edge of the circle of play and kick balls back into the center. Now, we do not TRY and hit kids with balls. But, being honest, that is only because it is too hard to aim. So, we just take our chances. Well, my chances turned out to be quite painful for one small child. I kicked a ball at full force and it hit him on the side of his face. He made the mistake of turning towards me as he grabbed his face and, as luck would have it, the next ball smacked him with just as much force full in the face. He went down... fast. I felt bad, but giggled a little too. Yes, I giggled. Whatever. There is one child in my tribe who cries all the time about everything. He hates everything we eat and he just makes me want to punch babies. And, his number came up last night. He got a ball straight to his pouting face. He cried, stormed to the side, and whined for the remainder of the night. This is a really short post... but yesterday wasn't anything incredible. But wait for tomorrow's post. You will hear about a Coke truck. Ok, that's all.

say it's good.

Ok, so it may just be official that Britney Spears is beyond being saved. I mean, the woman is out of her barefooted, backwoods, backup dancer-marrying, cigarette smoking, mildly obese, baby-making mind. I mean, we all thought she was a little off when she made out with a 45-year-old woman on national television, but, for some reason, we excused that one. But, let me tell you what. No one in her right mind schedules an interview with Matt Lauer, and then shows up with unbrushed, nastily bleached, frizzy hair with fugly bangs, a jean skirt reminiscent of 1997, a gross purple shirt, shimmery blue eye makeup, and a huge wad of gum in her mouth. I swear it was an interview segment of COPS. The girl looked like the trailer park had its way with her and then threw her the heck out. She literally SOBBED about how she wanted the papparazzi to leave her alone with Matt Lauer, and then she does an "exclusive interview" with OK! Magazine a week later, then dyes her hair black and does a TOPLESS, PREGNANT PHOTO SHOOT for Harper's Bazaar. The pictures can be seen here. Are you kidding me? Oh well... whatever. Let's hope she takes a long vacation and finds her some Jesus. So, yesterday was our alone night in camp. We had an awesome day, doing some Massive Waterfront since the Apache were the only ones in camp. The unfortunate thing was that one of our children decided to defecate on the dock... twice. You should have seen my face. I shut that dock down and I told those kids what was up. I said, "You BETTER not poop on the dock again. You can have accidents, but tell us when they happen." Well... that didn't work. A few minutes later, we found a child's soiled clothing sitting next to a shower stall covered in feces, including a handprint all along the wall. Because the child left his clothing next to his... work... we knew it was him. I asked him about it and he told me it wasn't him. I said, "Did someone take your clothing, cover it in poop, and then poop in the shower, spread it around, and then leave?" He said, "I don't know." And, it was so weird, but my fist started talking to me. It said, "Please let me hit him. Please let me do it. Just give me one chance. It will make you feel a lot better." I had to ignore my hand. It was sad. I just told that child he would never do that again because I knew he didn't want to find out what would happen if he did. Then, another kid crapped his pants, twice. We had a tribal meeting and are now having dedicated poopy time where each child spends 10 minutes in the bathroom twice a day. No more of this. I will throw down. Besides feces, camp is great.

poopy pants.

Apparently a small hurricane decided to form over Camp Ridgecrest yesterday. We woke up and it was like a river made its course through our camp overnight. There were rapids in our ditches. I considered finding a kayak just to get in on the action. We sent the kids to skills, and they did all that stuff, which was probably miserable considering the fact that we squeezed a million kids into limited inside space and told the counselors to "be creative." Oh well. The rain continued for hours, and we eventually cancelled the campouts for last night, which wasn't particularly awesome considering the fact that it was supposed to be my night off. But, we definitely didn't want everyone out in thunderstorms. So, we played a rematch of Pillow Polo instead, which Cabin 3 won... finally. The picture of my adorable children above is from that game. Also, the child on the right does not have a lazy eye, even though it looks like he does. That would be really sad. Then, the kids went and unpacked their stuff, and we had dinner. But, during the Pillow Polo game, we noticed an intense scent of feces. The sad thing is, we were all convinced that it was a kid's breath. But, then someone played the smelly game and sniffed the butt area as they walked by and the gag reflex told him that the smell was not breath, but butt. We made him shower and change and then... 30 minutes later... he had pooped his pants again. So we made him shower and change and then... an hour later... he had pooped his pants again. The child disgusts me. We watched "Heavyweights" with the Choctaw as our evening activity, which was fine except for the fact that the movie completely glorifies obesity. I think we all know how I feel about that, so I will not comment. Also, quick shoutout to Meliss and Meredith Query. They IM me upset if a post is not up during the day. They pretty much are amazing. Ok, alone night in camp is tonight. So expect something funny to happen. I do. ALSO!!! IMPORTANT!!! "Madea's Family Reunion: The Movie" and "Madea Goes to Jail" both come out on DVD today. Go buy them! Or we will play grit ball. Thank you.

the day the Lord has made

I will just begin this by saying that Sunday was muuuuuuuch easier this time around. If you missed the last in-camp Sunday we had, let it suffice to say that I was dreading this Sunday. But, it wasn't bad at all. We get to sleep in on Sundays, which is a belssing since I had been out at Midnight Skating until like 1:30. We had breakfast and then got ready for church. Church was relatively uneventful. I did this drama thing that, if you care, closely resembled the song "I AM" by Nichole Nordeman. The kids seemed to respond well, but I think that is because I told them the story about super-gluing a blanket to my face when I was four. And, yes, that is a true story. We had a staff meeting, blah, blah and then went to the Nibble Nook after rest period. Now, here's the thing I don't exactly understand. Our children are told that we are going to get ice cream and they walk SO FREAKIN SLOW. Well, the more portly ones speed it up. But, come on young ones. We are giving you free ice cream and you walk like we are escorting you to be lynched. I wanna see some spring in that step. But, don't you worry... once we got there it was like there was going to be a world-wide shortage of sugary treats. They were running around with an ice cream cone in one hand and crinkled dollar bills clutched tightly in the other. Cheerwine... Chips... Popcorn... Junk food... Increasing America's obesity problem. I just wanted to stop everyone and say, "You are all becoming statistics." But, I didn't. I just judged with my eyes. That's not true. Well... all true. Whatever. We walked back and had song practice/dinner and then Vespers. Let me just say something about Vespers. We have just fed the children ice cream and dinner and then we tell them that they have to walk to the other end of camp and politely sit through the second worship service of the day. It may just be the most illogical thing we do here at camp. I just don't get it. But... it was ok because I didn't have to go because I was getting everything ready for Council Ring, which was last night. It's the part of camp where we dress up like Indians. I can't explain it, and I don't think anyone would understand or particularly care, even if I did. But, last night, our song of choice was "Apache" to the tune of "My Girl" by The Temptations. It wasn't quite as good as our last song, but I will say that it was pretty good. I love the fact that my 7-year-olds pretty much dominate every time we do Council Ring. Oh, and my quote for the night was the Dane Cook skit about Kool-Aid... minus the f-words. And then we went to Denny's after Council Ring. Just to insert this, Elisabeth has recently alerted me that Denny's is the #1 restaurant for minorities, and, being 1/4 Lebanese, I am proud of this and eager to support a restaurant that supports me. While we were there, the lady sitting behind us continually scoffed at us and gave us mean looks because we were mildly loud and laughing. I mean... not to be rude ma'am, but what the crap did you expect at DENNY'S at 11:30 at night on SUNDAY NIGHT??? I mean, I know she was hoping for an upscale dining experience with a menu that features such gourmet dishes as "Eggs Over Myhammy" and "The Grand Slam Slugger" and a drink as exquisite as "Fizzy Navel." I hated to disappoint her, but, honestly... Suck it the crap up. I just gave her the biggest smile as we left to avoid punching that nasty little look right off her face. It was the best I could do. And that is all.

the longest day... ever.

So, yesterday was absolutely amazing, buuuuut... also incredibly long. We had Central Staff Breakfast, which is where the central staff cooks breakfast for the entire camp. I am aware that the explanation I just gave was almost unnecessary, but whatever. We woke up at 4:45 AM to begin cooking. Now, I don't know the last time I have woken up that early, and I do not plan on doing it again until I come back to camp next summer. But the experience was freakin aweome. We all were just in this mood of not wanting to be up, but knowing that if we didn't make it fun, we would kill ourselves, or poison the food. So, we turned on the most random mix of songs, from "Let's Get it On" (which, by the way, is NOT appropriate for Christian camp, but whatever), "Build Me Up Buttercup", and a number of Jock Jams. Chris Maslin was in an incredibly energetic mood, which I cannot begin to understand, but he danced alllllllll over everyone and just got us hyped. I turned around at one point and saw Karen Neal booty dancing on me while Jared filmed the entire thing. Priceless, I tell you. I was in charge of making pancakes with Bobby Black, Karen, and Shannon. I am not particularly skilled at cooking my own food, but I would say that I did a pretty all-star job on those pancakes. We mixed a little cinnamon sugar in with them. They were good. Not to brag, but yeah. We all changed into country clothing before breakfast and went BUCKWILD when the kids came in to eat. We were screaming "Yee-haw" and square dancing and throwing their plates of food on the tables, and playing country music really loud in the dining hall. The kids just eat it up... no pun intended. We ran around the dining hall with a cart full of grits and dumped grits on kids' plates and made them eat them. We called it the Grit Train and then had the Grit Challenge, where one kid from wach tribe came to the middle of the dining hall and tried to eat a bowl of grits the fastest. It was hilarious. My kid didn't win, but he had an amazing time. We also ran around the dining hall with a big slingshot and shot cartons of milk into the air. They would hit the rafters and smash open, pouring milk on the unsuspecting cabins below. I can't describe the humor I find in raining dairy products of large quantities of children. That sounds unbelieveably sketchy, but I don't care. I do what I want. That afternoon was Socks of the Caribbean Sock War, in which Steven Legeai played Johnny Depp, obviously, and Adam Miller wore a real octopus on his head. It was hilarious, but he smelled bad, so I didn't talk to him until after he showered. Diamond Smuggling was the evening OA, but I didn't play. We had Midnight Skating with the Arap, Sioux, Girl Choctaw, and Cherokee. We waited outside for a little while because they wouldn't let us in until 11:30, which was incredibly annoying. And while we waited outside, our girls were harassed by some thuggish-looking white boys. Now, call me crazy, but I didn't think that the Swannanoa Valley culture was particularly conducive to the breeding of thugs. Apparently, I was very wrong. Well, they were not really thugs. They dressed like them. So I laughed at them... on the inside. I didn't want to get cut or shot at. I mock intelligently. When we finally got inside, I was told that it would cost $8.00. Now, there is nothing about this particular establishment that indicates that an $8.00 entrance fee is necessary. It is fairly clear that the money that they make does not go to beautifying the place. I don't like to use the phrase "ghetto," but if I did, I would use it right here... emphatically. It just wasn't very "high class" roller skating. But, then again, that seems to be an oxymoron anyways. Whatever. Let me just say that the way 14-16 year old girls dress up for boys is a topic that would require a completely different post, but it was hilarious. And sad. It grossed me out in a lot of ways. I got to hang out with Caitlen and Chace. Caitlen and I did the 1,2 Step and realized that we are better than everyone. Just kidding. Kinda. I love watching people fall on roller skates. And people fell. A lot. What a night of laughing at people. That seems to be all. I love this place. A whole lot.

bring on the rain.

Yesterday was the first day in which rain has dominated our plans here at camp. Luckily, my afternoon activity was inside, anyway. We played different versions of dodgeball, like Ridgecrest Dodgeball, Sink the Bismark, and Battleship. It was so funny because the kids get so into it, but so do the counselors. It is so hard for the staff members to avoid throwing overhand. You see it in their eyes. They want to throw that ball so badly, but they have to hold back and make sure they don't injure children. Without fail, though, a child gets knocked to the ground by a stray ball every time we play those games. And sure enough, Seth threw the ball hard ONE TIME, and the counselor he was throwing at stepped out of the way and it smacked a kid in the face so hard. The sad thing is that the kid is tiny and always a little homesick, so it was one of those moments where the entire staff just gasps and goes, "Oh no." Luckily, the kid got up, cried for a few minutes, then jumped right back into the game. It was hilarious. When we have Retreat (a campwide assembly before dinner), the Tribal Leaders announce their evening activities. Last night, we had a scavenger hunt. I announced it to the kids, and they all yelled. But one child could be clearly heard as he screamed, "I LOVE scavenging!!!" All the staff around him just got really awkward and smiled and nodded at him. Children can be so awkward. I love it. The scavenger hunt was relatively uneventful, so there isn't very much to write about. I am actually a little disappointed that I don't have anything good to write. But rest assured, I will do everything in my power to make sure that something good happens today to write about. If I have to, I will construct a situation in which the only possible outcomes are all humorous. So, stick with me for one more boring day. It will be worth it... I hope.

shannon lied.

I have to correct my last post. Shannon lied to me. The trash cans were 50 gallons. We had about 750-1000 gallons worth of water ballons. I apologize for misrepresenting the facts. Blame Shannon.

lots of water.

So... yesterday was my day off, so I didn't post. Lil Mer immed me last night kinda sad that I hadn't posted, so I apologize. Buuuuut... Wednesday was AWESOME! We had the girls over for Slip-N-Slide Kickball. Again... self-inflicted, gender-based segregation. I told the girls that they would be pairing up with the guys and there were looks of absolute terror and horror. I swear, it was like I had just told them that I was going to urinate on and then kill their pet puppy. But, I wasn't going to do that. I just wanted them to play together. Is that so bad? Well, they went and got in line, boy-girl-boy-girl, to bat, while the other half went to the field to play. It went relatively uneventfully. We allowed them to just slip and slide for like 10 minutes at the end of the game, which they loved. Then, we opened up the waterfront for them. That is the source of this amazing picture of Gage up here. Let me tell you about him. He is Bwant (now Brant)'s cousin. He is just as cute as Bwant. When I say that he is too cute for his own good, I mean he is too cute for my own good. I can't get mad at the kid. He smiles at me and one of his front teeth is missing, and the other one is half-grown in. It just gets me every time. I have to leave the yelling and discipline to his counselors. But, we swam for a little while, then went to go get ready for that night's activity. There is this game at Camp Ridgecrest called "Guerilla Warfare." It is essentially a MASSIVE water balloon fight. Over the past few days, we had filled up 20 20-gallon trash cans to the brim with water balloons. That is 400 gallons of water ballons. The mayhem is incredible. The activity is campwide, so everyone plays each other. Apparently the children misunderstood the name of the game, because one kid came up to our Assistant Director, who was there with his dog, points to the dog and says, "Is that the gorilla?" Silly child. Guerilla Warfare commenced, children cried, staffers got angry. Needless to say, it was incredible. One of the best moments of the night was seeing Bwant try to cross the field unnoticed by covering himself in a trash can and slowly moving forward. We laughed. A lot. That was about it for that night. Yesterday was a great day to relax. I went to eat at Taco Bell, Tupelo Honey, and Black Mountain Bistro. It got nicer as the day went on. I went to Mast General, where I bought bright green Crocs. Don't be jealous, please. I watched the World Cup. I hate the referees. I went to Campfire back at camp, where I saw a child stick his hand down his pants and scratch absolutely every inch of skin covered by his underwear. It was quite a disturbing distraction from the speaker. No really good stories to tell. If you have read to the bottom, I applaud you for dealing with the boring nature of this post and apologize for the lack of humor. God love you.

we like to hike.

Last night, we took another campout. This time, we went to Mt. Kitazuma, which is about a two mile hike from camp. Now, this number does not appear to be particularly daunting, until one considers the fact that the hike took place in the sunlight on an 80 degree day with 29 children with heavy packs on their backs. I sat them down before we started the hike and gave them a small speech. I said, "Do not tell us it is hot. We know. Do not tell us your packs are heavy. So are ours. Do not tell us you don't want to walk anymore. You will walk. Do not ask how much longer. We will not answer. Just enjoy God's creation and keep complaints inside." Well, that approach apparently was not the most effective. I was at the front of the pack and got them to the top of the mountain pretty quickly. As we waited for the others to arrive at the campsite, we heard screams of agony. I was worried because I thought that someone may have been hurt. That was not the case. It was just a child who didn't want to carry his pack anymore and was wailing because he had to. I am not sure I can express how little sympathy I felt. The campsite where we stayed was INCREDIBLY dusty. The children looked like Bill Cosby about 15 minutes in. It was painfully nasty. The kids went and got wood and we built a fire for their hot dogs. This time, we managed to have enough hot dogs for every child, due largely to the fact that our... larger camper from first session is gone. Then we took the kids to the pretty overlook and hung out there. We started playing the "would you rather..." game, and the things the kids came up with were HILARIOUS. They were like, "Would you rather eat poop or kiss your sister?" And they were all like, "EAT POOOOOOOOOP!!!" except for one kid who was like, "Kiss my sister" and everyone just looked at him awkwardly and pretended like he hadn't spoken. Well, we watched the sun go down, and I think that was a cue for our kids to go flippin insane. Four children went into meltdown mode with the setting of the sun. Two kids cried almost to the point of making themselves vomit because they were homesick. One pooped his pants, changed them, then pooped the other pair he brought, so he was freaking out in every way possible because he didn't want to stay at the campsite because he was covered in feces, but didn't want to walk because he was dirty. Another child (similar to the hot dog double-fister from session 1a) just crapped his pants and didn't tell anyone. He didn't have to though. The smell told the whole story for him. Umm, gross. We changed him and then said, "It is time to sleep... NOW." So, we put the tribe to sleep, and, in a random twist of the norm, I got a great night of sleep. So, here I sit in my office, thanking Jesus that I finally feel better and well-rested. Hmm. Oh yes... Sad, Mavs. Save Britney.

what was i thinking?

from this...

to this...

I am so, so, so ashamed.
Someone save Britney.
Please.

cooler than being cool

Yesterday was our trip for the two weeks. We took the kids to Sliding Rock and Chuck E. Cheese in Asheville. It was amazing. The funny thing was that it was already cold outside, so having the kids get in the freezing water definitely froze them to death. But apparently they didn't care, because they kept going down the rock over and over and over and over. I think there was a kid who went down like 40 times in the two hours that we were there. I couldn't get in because I was already sick, which made me sad. But I watched my staff go down in trains and everything. They were cracking me up. The faces that children make when they drop into ice-cold water are priceless. It looks as though someone has just cut off a vital part of their body. Yet they go under and emerge with their fists in the air, screaming about how awesome it was. And then, they go again. Obviously. So, being the amazing Tribal Leader that I am, I made sure the bus driver knew where she was going and told her to go ahead, and that I would grab the minivan. But thennnnnnnn I realized that I didn't have directions for myself. So we found Karen Neal, the camp photographer, and told her we would follow her. I let Lauren Ferguson drive the van because I didn't feel well. Unfortunately, we missed the exit we were supposed to take and lost everyone that we were following. So, Lauren and I attempted to remember where Sliding Rock was from our previous visits to the attraction. Due to the fact that we are awesome (and that Lauren called someone), we got to Sliding Rock without any other problems. However, we realized that, despite the fact that Karen Neal was 10 minutes ahead of us in driving, she was not at the park. But, we went inside anyways and hoped that she would show up and take pictures. An hour later, she arrived with Jared, the videographer. I was like, "Hi. Where were you?" Karen told me they stopped at a gas station. Obviously, she lied. She got lost. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying that we got there without getting lost. No big deal. Well, the kids went down the rock, blah blah. Then we left. We drove to Chuck E. Cheese, where we met up with Robert Suggs and Bobbly Black (who is, coincidentally, the only black man on staff, and an amazing person who is a Madea fan... yessssss). Now, I can't stand incompetency. And the staff there epitomized that concept. First of all, they lost our reservation, so I had to rework the entire thing yesterday morning. Then we arrive and they act as though they have never encountered a large group of children before. I was thinking, your job is to facilitate birthday parties that consist of large groups of children. Please act as though you have any idea what you do for a living. They were unable to divide by 5 as we attempted to order pizza. They were unable to calculate pricing. It was just incredibly painful. But, things worked out so the children ate and played games. It was sweeeeet. I made the mistake of eating pizza and almost puked my brains out. I went to bed early and feel much better today. I believe that is all. Oh, I also realized I am overly protective of my new camera. Ok. Bye.

sick of sick

This is what I feel like. I just want to sleep forever. Being sick and working session break and then bringing in a new group of 29 7 and 8 year olds is really just a miserable experience. There's not much to write about. I want to get better. Hopefully, that will happen soon so I can interact with my kids fully. I promise, once I feel better, I will post something interesting.

is anyone surprised?

Oh, J.J. As if the lacrosse players weren't enough...
Put down the Smirnoff ice and pull down that half-popped collar.
Poor kid... Maybe he can write a poem about this.

i love beach music.

Thursday was nothing to write home about. I was sick. I slept all day. Whatever. But, I felt a little better for Friday, closing day. My family came up to visit, which was amazing. They also brought Caitlin Dziubek, my sister's best friend from Tampa. It was so good to see all of them. And I am not going to be able to see my dad on Father's Day, so my brother and I made him a card and gave it to him yesterday. He also brought me my new camera, which was so freakin awesome. I have been taking picture after picture since I got it. But, the family got here at like 12 and we got to hang out and eat lunch. But, the funniest thing happened. Ashley Olson is one of our nurses here, along with her mother, Beth. I decided that I want to be part of that family, so I told Beth and Ashley that I plan on marrying Ashley sometime this summer. So, yesterday, I sent my parents to go get a fake engagement ring from the Conference Center bookstore before they came here. In the middle of the dining hall, I got on one knee and proposed to Ashley. The best part was that, at first, she honestly thought I was serious and she just looked completely shell-shocked. But as soon as she realized that I wasn't serious, she started playing along and yelling and telling people how excited she was to get married. We even took a fake engagement picture so people could see the ring. It was hilarious. My mom even stood to the side and acted as a photographer. That was the one factor that made it obvious that the whole thing was a joke. If I had really been proposing, my mother would have had to take some sort of sedative a few hours in advance. We had closing, the family left, blah blah blah. We had a staff meeting, then the staff left, and Session Break started. We ordered pizza for the kids and then took them putt-putt. Then, today, we took them to a water park and I got really sunburned. (Sorry Mom...) But, I am feeling much better. The water park was incredibly sketchy though. It was in the middle of Tennessee, and there were a lot of really gross people there. I'm not judging, just being honest. At one point, I was talking to Brooke and Kelly, and Kelly leans over to me and goes, "I don't want to freak you out, but there is a Band-Aid floating between your legs." I obviously freaked out and promptly exited the water. I was afraid to touch it again because of urine and syphyllis. Umm, sick nasty. More to come later...

whodunit?

Yesterday was pretty awesome, even though I was sick on and off all day. I went to buy Dairy King for Cabin 2 during rest period because they won that prize at Carnival. If you didn't know, attempting to purchase 10 Arctic Swirls and a Lemonade while it is 80 degrees outside is not a particularly efficient or mess-free process. Shannon the Awesome was such a trooper and held all those dripping trays on her lap as we drove back to camp. Kudos to her. As I was standing in line at DK, I felt my stomach just go bad. I thought I was just overly full from chicken tenders and mac and cheese, but the next 24 hours would prove that assumption incorrect. We headed back to camp, distributed DK to the children, and had a fire drill in preparation for today's American Camping Association accredidation inspection. I can't even convey the awesomeness that that fire drill was. Our afternoon activity was OAP, which was great because we didn't have to be in charge of anything. Unfortunately, right before we started, one of my kids puked all over the 4-square courts. It was gross, and it definitely didn't help my upset stomach. So, I attempted to sleep on the grass while Dru led the kids in games. I did drag myself up to play Captain's Coming, a staple at Dv8. That made me excited, but also more sick. As I started feeling worse, I just slept in the Lake Lodge while everyone ate dinner. I showered, thinking that I would feel better, and came back down just in time for Campwide Clue. I was feeling (almost) fine at this point, so I joined up with Karen Neal to go from station to station photographing the kids and the celebrity suspects. The game ended with the revelation that Dakota Fanning killed our camp director with a roundhouse kick to the face because she was worried that he would expose her bedwetting problem. Obviously. Nelson Heard was a great Lindsay Lohan, so I got him to take a picture with me while he was still in drag. Just a little uncomfortable. At this point, the cabin staff and the TL's went to Boscobel, the staff house, and hung out and ate Zaxby's while the central staff and the kids watched "Elf." I came back a little early and tried to nap so that I would feel better for Mystery Late Night Dinner. We went to Cabin 1 at like 11:30 and busted in and turned the lights on and started yelling for the kids to wake up. It was hilarious, because half of them jumped out of bed and ran out to the bus, while the other half layed in their beds and cried until we dragged them out. That dinner was one of the most fun nights I have ever had. We squeezed me, Patrick Patterson, Shannon, Ashley, Scott Suggs, and two kids into one booth. I don't think I stopped laughing until the last 10 minutes, when I started feeling pukey again. Josh, one of the campers, ordered wings as an appetizer, and when he got them, we all realized that he doesn't have his front two teeth. Watching him eat those wings was one of the more humorous things I have ever experienced. Stupid me, I ordered a full meal even though I was already feeling sick. I ate some of it, and we went back to camp. I went to sleep but was tossing and turning until about 4:15, when I woke up and went to the bathroom. The floor of the bathroom was wet, so I didn't want to kneel on it. Let me say that I have only puked twice since I was in sixth grade, so it took a lot for me to do it last night. But around 4:45 I realized that it was time, so I put a finger in my throat and said hello to those Huddle House hashbrowns. Mmm-mmm good. The road to recovery is apparently a long one.

i rove china

So, yesterday, we took our children to China. It was the Third Annual Apach Chinese Expedition. We took them down to Canteen and told them they were going to get served on the inside where the big kids usually go because we were alone in camp for the night. Adam walked inside and said, "Shay, someone outside needs to talk to you." As I walked out, I slammed the door and started yelling like I was getting beat up. Then, two other staff members dressed in camo and black came in and told the kids that I had been kidnapped. The kids were then taken into a dark room, where Bobby Black, the camp pastor, was tied to a chair. He was interrogated (and slapped) by the other two counselors and given an "injection" of the "truth serum." After the injection, he told the kids that I had been taken to China. The kids were given the truth serum (a misxture of Sprite and grenadine), blindfolded, and loaded into the hay wagon. The truck drove around the lake twice as the counselors pretended that Chinese soldiers were chasing them and attacking them. The kids were loaded into canoes (wearing life jackets, of course) and a counselor paddled them across the lake, while two other staffers stood with me on the blob tower and threw water balloons at them. We told them that they were being bombed... obviously. I accidentally hit one kid in the head with one, but after the game was over, he ran up to me and was like, "Shay, I actually got hit with a bomb in the head and I survived!!!" It was awesome. After they canoed, they were led across the Middle Green to this unused road at the back of camp, where I was tied to a gate. They freed me just as it started raining, so I led them down to the infirmary, which we had decorated in Dollar Store Chinese paraphernalia. They ate a Chinese meal which could have been the most disgusting food... ever. So I told my staff that I would get them Wendy's later. After dinner, we played dodgeball with the kids. Now, even though staff can only throw underhand, it is still an amazing stress reliever to pelt small children with 4-square balls. They didn't even cry. Then, we put the kids to bed and I went with Shannon the Awesome to get Wendy's. We were stupid enough to order food for 10 people and not check the order after we got it. We got back to camp and we were short 2 Frosty's, 1 french fry, Sprite, and... Ranch Dressing. Now, you can mess with my frozen beverages or my fried potatoes, but you take away my Ranch, and you know I'm gonna throw down. So I threw that car right into reverse and drove back to Wendy's like Satan was chasing me. I think they knew I was coming, because the manager came to the window. He gave us all our food and even a new thing of chicken nuggets because mine were lukewarm. It was great. I came back to camp, ate, and got to sleep at 10:15. Here's the thing: I sleep with my cell phone because I set my alarm to vibrate and it wakes me up. I know that may be weird, but whatever. Well, last night, I woke up and realized that my phone was nowhere to be found. I freaked out and looked, but it was dark and I didn't want people to wake up and think I was crazy. So... I went back to sleep and woke up this morning as the phone vibrated under the bed. How it got to the center of the bottom of the bed is BEYOND me, but it happened. My phone is now under control and sitting front of me, though. That is all.

i'm having fun

Ok, so as I have read over the last few posts that I have made, I realize that it has sounded like my time here at Camp Ridgecrest for Boys has been miserable. That just isn't true. Things have been incredible. But, no one wants to read boring, happy stuff. So I write about the crazy, stupid stories that happen. Last night was my "night off" because my kids went on a campout and I didn't. Well, there were a few things that happened during that evening. We ordered a large meal from a restaurant in town. When we got our food, was the order right? No. But we ate it anyway. Then, Robert Suggs busts in tellin me that someone has to go with him to pick up some girls from girls camp who got lost on their day hike. So I go and pick them up and drive them back to camp, while they are sitting behind me screaming, "Oh my gosh, are we going 80 miles per hour?" It took every ounce of energy to not turn around and say, "Little girls, we are going 61 miles per hour. Say one more thing and see what happens. Just try me. I want to hear you say one more thing." Ooh I was mad as a wet hen (thank you Beth Olson), so I turned up my music so loud that they couldn't talk. A little Derek Webb never hurt anyone... especially me, cause you know I needed Jesus at that point. Later that night, a Dairy King run was in order. Now, the last few times we have gotten Arctic Swirls from Dairy King, they have been less than properly mixed. So, for some unknown reason, the group decided that I was the best person to address this problem with the lady working behind the counter. Let me make it clear, I am scared of angry mountain folks, so I treated that lady like she was made of gold. I put on my southern accent and smiled so big and said, "Ma'am, we love us some Dairy King. And it has just been so sad to get our food the last few times and find that there were just chunks of topping not mixed in. We want to keep comin back. Can you make sure that it is mixed well?" I think my eyelashes did her in, cause she just smiled right back and said, "Yessir, we never want to lose valued customers." And the good Lord knows that those Arctic Swirls were mixed so well. It was awesome... until we realized that we had 8 Arctic Swirls that were quickly melting on our trip back. I said as nicely and as Christlike as possible to the people riding in my car, "Spill inside my car and I will punch you in the face." We avoided spills... thank Jesus. We got back and found the scene pictured above. Dru Swain was laying on the couch drawing the wax out of his ears with a candle. The smell and the resulting wax were absolutely vile. I gagged a little bit. Tapouts were last night, but there was nothing extraordinary to report. Well... I believe that is all. P.S. Sad performance at the World Cup. Buuuuuuut... Go Mavs.

sunday bloody sunday

As a counselor, Sundays at camp tend to be relatively low-key and easy. As a tribal leader, they take on a characteristic most often encountered in the sixth ring of Hell. Now, let me say that I love the Sabbath and I respect it, but yesterday made me want to just punch a baby. There were a few glitches in the church service, but overall it was fine. The real problems arose when we attempted to go to Nibble Nook, an ice cream place at the conference center near our camp. Obviously, a thunderstorm descended on camp and lasted just long enough to insure that EVERY OTHER tribe in camp got to ride a bus. However, when it was time for the 7-year-olds to leave (about 30 minutes later than we were supposed to), someone decided the weather was PERFECT for a walk. That just didn't make me happy. I called my tribe to the front of the Lake Lodge and waited for 15 minutes for them. I was supposed to go with them, but at this point I handed the radio and camper money to one of my staffers and went to get ready for our song at Council Ring. While preparing our song, I found myself to be incredibly thirsty. The idea of a fountain drink appealed to me on so many levels, so I called one of my fellow central staffers and asked him to bring me one when he drove back to camp. Upon his return, I found that he had, in fact, not purchased my drink. Ashley offered to run to the canteen and buy me a drink. I don't know why, but I really wanted a cup and ice. So, I called some other staffers and... no luck. Now, this just made me a little angry. So, I improvised and got a cup and ice from the kitchen, but... still not the same. When my guys finally got back from ice cream, we practiced our song and then went to dinner. During the Vespers service, the other Tribal Leaders and I assembled feather armbands in preparation for Council Ring. Now, due to the fact that we had absolutely no clue what we were doing, the situation devolved into stress and just a little anger on my part. I then realized that I had no batteries for my freakin boom box for my song on Council Ring, so I proceeded to freak and make a campwide announcement begging for C-batteries. Desperate? Yes. But, we got to the hill and my song happened to be one of the best two. I believe that is directly related to the fact that it was to the tune of "I Love Beach Music" by the Embers. A little shagging never hurt anyone. You can take that one and put it in your back pocket. We went to Denny's afterwards and our table of four finished all of our Grand Slam meals in under 4 minutes. No joke. I leave you with a quote from Madea:
"See y'all think Rosa Parks stayed on that bus trying to help black people. Let me tell you the real reason why Ms. Rosa didn't get off that bus. I was at the bus stop like this. Get off the bus, Rosa. Get off the bus, ROSA."

maybe the best day at camp i have ever experienced

So yes... Saturday at Camp Ridgecrest dominates in a mighty way. On the Saturdays when we have Carnival (like yesterday), we switch the schedule all around and have Sock War in the morning, skills in the afternoon, and Carnival at night. Let me just TRY to explain how suh-weet it was. The Sock War theme was X-Sock III, and the introduction culminated with Calen riding in on the top of a car as Magneto and Billy riding a motorcycle up the hill at a ridiculous speed in true Wolverine fashion. Little known fact about me: I was obsessed with X-Men as a child. Like, I wanted to be a mutant with every normal, boring bone in my body. And sometimes I actually wonder why I had no friends until i was 17. Awesome. But, I got my nerdy high for the day with the X-Sock intro and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon "supervising" swimming skill by laying out and tanning on the blob tower and the dock. It was incredible. Carnival started at 6, and I was signed up to be in the dunking booth from 6-6:15. The water in that thing was ungodly cold. It literally hurt my feet to touch it. Of course, I was dunked over and over. I was not very happy, but kids get a sick pleasure from seeing authority figures embarassed, so I just sucked it up. At Carnival, the kids play games to get "Ron Dollars," which they can use later in the night to buy prizes for their cabin at the auction. One of the prizes is Mystery Late Night Dinner, which is where we take the winning cabin to Huddle House at 11:30 at night. Essentially, it is a chance for us to see half-asleep 7-year-olds interacting with crazy townies in the middle of the night. In two words, awkwardly awesome. I spent the remainder of my Carnival night going to all of my Apache (but especially Cabin 1) telling them to get Ron Dollars. As the night wound down and the auction took place, Cabin 1 secured the prize. I actually did a dance in celebration of this feat. First of all, they came in 3rd place in the camp, beating all of the teenagers. Ooh holler. But, I was excited mostly because one of the campers in Cabin 1 is... Brant Wrobleski. If you are not familiar with this incredible child, please refer to earlier posts to be enlightened. I got to experience Huddle House with Brant last year, and it was an outing for the ages. He continually asked for "mow peppew fow my chicken tendews." That kid... We cleaned up from Carnival and then began preparing for a birthday party for our camp director, Ron Springs. There are a number of things you should know about this party. It is a celebration of his 60th birthday. Interestingly enough, his 60th birthday is not for another 10 years and 1 month. It was really just an excuse for the staff to leave their cabins and party up at the infirmary. We moved all the beds out of the way in the infirmary and blasted a little Ursher and danced, ate cake, drew the belly button on the Ron, and got crunk... for Jesus. It was amazing. Ron had to leave early, so we had a dance competition in which Billy Jones got low with a cutout of Ron on the wall. We even played about 30 seconds of "Fantasy" by Luda until someone realized that "I wanna lick, lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes" was not an appropriate lyric to be playing in a predominately male group of Christian camp staff members. So... song change. I got to chill a little with some of the SALT dudes, who dominate hardcore. They are 17-year-old volunteers who work their butts off for camp. We like them a lot. But... yes... amazing day. Oooooooh... best story from Carnival. One of the Cabin 2 campers came running by me with his counselor. He was holding his butt and going, "I can't make it! I can't make it!" He was thisclose to pooping his pants. I sent him inside the Lake Lodge to use the restaurant, but the smell he sent my way as he passed made me chuckle and think sadly, "It's too late." Poor counselor. Holler back.

post. script.

Elisabeth413 (2:18:56 PM): you could have said "and the best part of the day was when my beautiful talented and wonderful girlfriend came to visit and we played basketball and now she and bwant are best friends"

there. happy? :)

day off?

Yesterday was my day off. Now let me preface this by saying that I did not believe that I was in need of a day off, but I was politely informed that yesterday was going to be the only option for me to take off this session. So I said, "Day off it is." However, Calen and Scott Suggs both thought that waking me up before 8:30 AM would be a good idea. Let me just make it clear that it was not, in fact, a good idea. Despite my fits of anger, I got up and got ready. I went into Asheville alone, cause I'm that cool. I was at Barnes and Noble for like 30 minutes and Adam Verlander called me like 20 times, so I called him back. I drove back to Black Mountain for lunch at My Father's Pizza. They have moved the entrance to the restaurant up the hill. I really just don't appreciate that, but they apparently did not think that consulting me was an important part of that decision-making process. David Weaver told me that he was going to meet us for lunch, but he didn't. And I am mad at that. We went back to camp where I got to see Lil Mer, Meliss, Chrissy, and Hardy. That was a fun little group. Ashley Olson and I went to CVS to pick up some medicine for a camper and the lady behind the counter was really unfriendly. Now, if you know me, you know that I hate when people are grouchy with their jobs. My motto is, "Suck it up or get out." I do not feel like dealing with your unhappiness. I complain enough on my own, thank you. She made us wait for like 15 minutes so she could "mix the medicine." First of all, that junk better be mixed before you call my camp and tell me it's ready to be picked up. Second of all, you know all that woman did was sit there and shake the bottle and bang it against the table. Ashley got a little frustrated cause she was sayin, "I can shake the dang bottle. Please just give us the medicine." When we finally got it, that lady did not smile, and we just rolled up our window and got on out of that piece. It made me almost as mad as when that lady at Bojangles didn't give me a straw. Ooh... I almost jumped through that window. But then the night got better because we got to go to dinner with Ms. Rose Verlander. Ooh, Ms. Rose. Love her. Although our waitress did not seem to understand that empty glasses need tobe refilled. Whatever. The night ended with a little visit from Elisabeth and a trip to Dairy King. I am relaxed. And avoiding playing Sock War. Mmhmm, the good life.

these are the days

As you can see, Camp Ridgecrest recieved the honor of a visit from Erika "E" Shelburne this week. It was awesome. There was a reunion of the most thugged-out waterfront central staff that has ever pretended to teach swimming class at this camp. We just knew that we had to take a picture to remind people how hard we are. Don't mess with us. We will cut you and not think twice. Overall, yesterday was relatively uneventful. E and I tanned on the dock during rest period. Of course, the Sioux returned to camp just as Erika turned onto her chest and untied her top. She's just like that. I mean, I'm not bragging, but if I keep laying out like that I'm gonna be pretty hot by the end of the summer. No big deal. Our afternoon activity was my least favorite idea that has ever been concocted in this place: Fort Apache. Essentially, we give the kids tools and they run aorund the woods behind Apache Circle and make a pretend fort. Now, I know that I am responsible for planning our schedule, so I could have left that mess out. But, the kids love it, and, despite it all, this is not Camp Ridgecrest for Shay Corbett. So... we did it. But I will tell you that climbing through the woods with kids and cutting down branches and tying things with string while it is hot and buggy is not my activity of choice. Those are the days you just give it to Jesus. But last night, we played Chair Tic-Tac-Toe in the gym. Holler to Dv8 for the idea. The kids loved it and watching them smash into each other at high speeds kinda made my day. Campfire was last night too, and I got to sit with my brother and hang out with him for like an hour afterwards. He's a stud. Now, as hard as this is for me to say, the kid is much cooler than me. There it is. I can't ever deny it. Oh yeah... I am putting pictures online from this summer. The website is listed under my links. Holler at those.

baked beans

Messy games at Camp Ridgecrest are always a-may-sing. We invited the Chippewa, out sister "village" at Camp Crestridge over for a day of craziness. As usual, I was stressed. (Sidenote: This morning, in our tribal leader meeting, we were read the scripture that says, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power, that is at work within us, be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, forever." I was glad to know that God will do more than I can imagine, because I'm not imagining so well these days.) Now let me just say that 7 and 8 year old boys and girls do not interact particularly well. They look at each other disdainfully and refuse to touch. However, we did everything in our power to break their resistance and encourage integration of the sexes. The Apache tribe sings "The Beaver Song" relatively frequently at this camp and one of our children asked if we could sing that song for the girls. Adam, my inappropriate staffer who attends the God-forsaken "educational institution" in Chapel Hill, turned and said, "Hmm, appropriate." I just found that to be humorous. We began the games by playing Egg Roulette, in which 1/3 of the eggs are hard-boiled and the others are raw. Each camper gets an egg and smashes it on his/her head. The raw ones sit down, and this continues until one child wins. Watching girls voluntarily smash raw eggs on their heads is just plain awesome. We then did an egg toss, which was really just stalling as we prepared for "Decorate Your Staffer" in which the kids used a number of kitchen products to decorate their favorite staff member. By the end of the activity, the staff was covered in nast. But we pulled out the 120-foot slip and slide and covered it in everything we could find. I believe the final combination included: chocolate syrup, pancake syrup, water, baby shampoo, baked beans, margarine, whipped cream, watermelon, and eggs. By the end of the day, it looked as though someone had vomited on our collective group. Sick-freakin-nasty. But the kids loved it. We started to play a game of steal the bacon with a greasy watermelon, but then we realized that we were essentially sponsoring "syrup wrestling" with the boys and girls, so that game came to a decidely swift demise. That is not a very good story to send home to mom and dad. We took the kids down to the lake, washed them off, and then had a picnic on the Middle Green. I wish I had a picture, because it was an exercise in sex-based segregation. Those kids didn't even want to look at each other. Oh, cooter... I mean... cooties. Oh... the picture up top was a kid who got a bloody nose in the middle of messy games. I mean, what an inappropriate time. Ugh. Today should be fun. Campfire is tonight, which is when we have the most decisions for Christ. It's awesome. So... ima go holler at some stuff in the office. Holler back, yungun.

thank God i'm a country boy

...And so began our campout to Royal Gorge. Actually, the campout began about an hour before I got there, but I packed the truck and met the kids up there. Yesterday was just a little bit out of control, which is appearing to become the norm for my tenure as Tribal Leader. Things appeared to be normal until we began cooking. All of a sudden, our ten extra hot dogs disappeared as the campers dropped weiner after weiner into the fire. We realized that we had just enough hot dogs for each staffer to have one, which was a step down from my original plan for each staffer to have two. Unfortunately, one of our larger campers came over to us and swore up and down that he had not eaten a hot dog, despite the fact that every member of the staff had seen him double fisting cooking sticks over the fire just moments before. Tears emerged and the theatrics began. I may be slightly dramatic, but this kid was just annoying. The last thing I need is for some kid to go home and tell his parents that I wouldn't feed him, so I gave him a hot dog and sent him along his merry way. Suddenly short on weiners, our staff put our heads together to decide what to do. We concluded that a covert, expedient trip to Wendy's was the best option. Adam and I drove to Black Mountain, got Wendy's and started heading back up to the campsite. On the way, a dog ran towards our moving vehicle while barking. Needless to say, I almost crapped my pants. However, I didn't actually stop for about 20 yards. When I did stop, though, I laughed uncontrollably and maybe said a bad word. It scared me. We got to the campsite, ate, blah blah blah, and put the kids to bed around 10. I fell asleep and awoke at 11:30 to children running around and yelling and fighting. Those kids did not even know the danger they were in wakin me up at 11:30 at night. I tore out of that tent like the ghetto had just erupted inside me. I was tellin people to hold my bling. I went over to those children and delivered one of the most intimidating monologues those niños have ever encountered. It worked, and I went back to sleep with my alarm set for 7:45AM. I was so tired that I was able to overlook the 45-degree angle upon which I slept. However, when 5:30 rolled around, there were more screaming children. Not cool. I finally got out of bed at 7 and made them pack up since they were awake. Now that I am back at camp, a nap is calling my name. But hey, despite the ridiculous chain of events that has been the last two days, I am having an INCREDIBLE time.

and plans fly away

Well... let's just say that the trip yesterday just didn't go exactly as planned. As I wrote yesterday, I planned a trip to go tubing, etc. Well, 2:30 rolls around and our friendly bus driver pulls into camp. I walk over to say hello and talk about where we were going and she tells me that the bus company had called and left a message a few days before saying that the road we needed to take to go tubing was a road on which the bus was not allowed to travel. She then told me that she had a new set of directions, but that it would add 4 hours to our travel time. Now, if you didn't know, I work with 7-9 year old boys. If you think I was going to spend 4 MORE hours in a bus with those children, I am going to need you to put down the pipe. That is just crazy. I said, "Goodbye tubing. Hello Fun Depot." So, 30 minutes later, we found ourselves in the middle of laser tag and video games. The kids were well behaved. I just got really mad because my laser gun didn't work very well during the second game, and my team lost. I don't deal well with losing, especially when I know I shouldn't... which is always. But whatever. We then went to the Italian restaurant, which, as usual, was freakin unbelievable. And my kids were so well-behaved that we let them sit at their own big table and all the "big kids" (i.e. the staff) sat at our own table. I'm not sure which group felt more rewarded by this. A competitive game of putt-putt followed. By the time we got back to camp, I thought that the staff was going to just sit down and die. We were so tired and stressed. But... Shannon (our tribal sweetheart) and I went to Wendy's and got the staff Frosty's. But, this leads me to another sticking point I have. It is the middle of June. And last night, the low was in the mid-40's. I mean, honestly. Why the crap is it so cold? Why am I sitting in my office in my sweatpants and a Patagonia? Why? Why? Why? But, otherwise, everything is awesome. We have a campout tonight. I'm gonna drive the packs up to the kids because our campsite is accessible by vehicles. Oh, the hard life of working with small children. Thank ya.

brought to you by the letter "r"

This is a really sad story... Brant Wrobleski has now learned to pronounce his r's correctly. At least in his name. I heard him say it and my heart just sank. Even though most of the other times, he doesn't say them correctly, it still hurts my heart. However, I take comfort in the fact that he still has massive cowlicks that make him look like Batman. AAAAAAAAAAAnd... he came back with a mullet. Is there anything better? I think not, friends. Opening day was scary and hard. I lost my voice trying to calm my kids down. But my staff showed up in a big way and really helped me out. We are going on a trip today, which should be cool. We are going tubing, putt-putt, and to this INCREDIBLE Italian restaurant. Needless to say, I can't wait. Anything is better than sitting behind a table, like I had to do all day yesterday. And parent after parent came to me and asked me why I didn't have the form that they had faxed in, as though I had been eagerly sitting at the Camp Ridgecrest fax machine for the last 10 months, eagerly awaiting the form telling me that their son wants to take Indian Lore. I mean... whatever, I'm not bitter.

I am not fat.

so it begins

So... Camp is upon us. The picture you see above you is a nice little snapshot from our night off in Asheville. We ate at this amazing restaurant called Tupelo Honey and then went to see all the hippies dance in the African drum circle. Staff week was phenomenal. It has been a good while since I felt like I felt God in a real way. And I got asked to lead worship one night for the guys and girls staffs. And it was better than the worship at Passion. It was just 120 college students who have dedicated their summers to telling kids about Jesus Christ for awful pay singing at the top of their lungs. I could hardly sing through the excitement I felt. The staff this year is really solid and the guys that are working under me are so freakin talented. I can't wait to see how they interact with the kids! It should be amazing. Today is opening day and there are going to be about 120 kids coming through our gates. I am nervous because I realize that I am in charge of planning a summer that they will enjoy. But I am taking a little comfort in the fact that I am not really in control. God has it covered. It's just hard to remember that all the time. My favorite camper of all time is coming back today and I just can't wait. His name is Brant Wrobleski but he just can't say his r's, so his name comes out at Bwant Wobleski. He is awesome. I was saying earlier that if he has learned to say r's correctly, he is dead to me. Well, not really. But I will be really sad. Haha. He dominates! This morning, before the kids got here, we walked around camp and prayed over different parts of camp. I just got so excited because I realized that I was in the place where I found Jesus and that camp is one of the most beautiful places I have ever encountered. I just identified with David when he wrote in Psalm 19, "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard." So, to end this little post, I leave you with the verse I am clinging to this summer:

"Look at the nations and watch- and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5

P.S. I look like I have gained 20 pounds in that picture. I haven't.